Reading My Mind

It’s 6.25 pm office time, and I should’ve gone home. But I don’t feel like it, at least not that soon. Sometimes the emptiness of this office gives me the sanctuary I never get at home. Not that I despise my marriage life or anything, but sometimes I just need my own space (without my hubby singing off-tune in the background hehehe… or the phone ringing continuously… well, you get the picture). But in my case, sometimes too much silence and emptiness bring up old memories and repressed feelings to the surface. And I can be ultra sensitive and angry for what seems to be no reason. Those who know me well are too familiar with this pattern, I think… On the other hand, it’s the only time I can think clearly and pour my mind and heart out.

These past few weeks I often had dreams. People from the past. Those kinda dreams always leave me undecided. My logic always says “It’s just a dream. You probably just had a rough day/week/…(fill in the blank)”. But more often than not, my intuition says it’s an alert. So usually I open a communication line to the people in my dreams–just like that–either by SMS, or email, or whatever. At least I need to know that they’re OK. And then it all goes away, until the next dream.

When it comes to dreams, I can handle that pretty well. But I still can’t figure out why this certain person seems to be following me or crisscrossing my path every once in a while. I was sure we had finished up our ‘business’ a long time ago. Or so I thought?? I think I have made peace with myself, also a long time ago. Or SO I thought??? Bad memories are far worse than bad dreams. How can you kill a bad memory inside your head? They don’t go away as easily because you know it’s real, and it really happened no matter how long ago that was. What bothers me is that I’m the type of person who confronts her problems. And for this one, I have, countless times. But now I’m not so sure it will ever end, because just when I thought it had gone away, it came back in some other forms! Geez! Even clicking “Empty Trash” doesn’t seem to work…


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