Gone? :'(

I couldn’t even begin to think up a title for this entry because what
you’re about to read may be the saddest entry I ever wrote so far…

Thursday morning I woke up feeling nauseous, more than usual. I went to
the office later than usual because of this. The nausea wouldn’t go
away even as the day grew old. I decided to lie down because I didn’t
feel very well. But before I did that, I went to the toilet. There, I
found a small amount of blood in the toilet bowl and the tissue. I
started to freak. I asked my colleague if it was normal, and she said
yes but I might want to see my ob/gyn to make sure. So, I laid down,
called Victor, and made an appointment with my ob/gyn that evening.

In the hospital that evening, I told my ob/gyn what happened. She said there are 3 possible causes for spotting/bleeding:

1. Normal pregnancy; the name speaks for itself, so there’s nothing to worry about.

2. Ectopic pregnancy; there’s no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.

3. Signs of miscarriage; there’s nothing we can do about this.

She then observed me with USG and once again, she couldn’t see the
sac/embryo/fetus. This is frustrating both for me and her. But she said
there are 2 possible causes for this:

1. The pregnancy is not as “old” as we thought (it should be 7 weeks by now).

2. Again, ectopic pregnancy.

So she said I should get a “bed-rest” for 3 days and she prescribed me
with something to strengthen my uterus (I forgot what it’s called).

Friday, I laid in bed and the sofa most of the time. I only sat up to
eat, only walked to the bathroom. Around 8 after dinner, my stomach
hurt and I thought I had to go to the bathroom. When I finished my
business, I noticed droplets of blood in the toilet bowl but didn’t
really freak until I felt it dripping down my legs. I tried to stop it
with lots of tissues but it didn’t stop. In panic I called for my
hubby, he brought me sanitary pads, I called my Mom, and decided to go
to the emergency room. So we went there by cab.

The doctor at the emergency room sent me upstairs to the maternity
floor. A midwife checked my inside for openings because it could be an
ongoing miscarriage or signs of one. More blood coming out… They
called my ob/gyn and my ob/gyn sent me to another ob/gyn for 2nd
opinion. The first time he looked at how much blood I was losing, he
told me that I couldn’t keep my pregnancy. I was crushed… I was
prepared for the worst, but still I felt like crying on the spot. He
then checked me using the transvaginal USG. Still, he couldn’t see the
sac/embryo/fetus. But he did see that the lining of my uterus was
thickening. He diagnosed me with endometrium hyperplasia, with a
possibility of ectopic pregnancy. He suggested courretage (kuret, in
Indonesian) to see what the real problem is (he already said that I
couldn’t keep my pregnancy, so it leaves us with the abnormal bleeding
problem, I guess).

But in the end it was up to my ob/gyn. They called her again and she
said I should just go home and wait until the bleeding stops, then do
the pregnancy test again. If it’s positive, I should go see her a week
after that. But if it’s negative, it could be a miscarriage, but it was
also probable that I got false positive test results (twice?!). And
this was when I felt betrayed by my own body…

I checked the internet about false positive test results and chemical pregnancy. It usually happens when someone does the test before
her period is due. But I did the first test 10 days after my missed
period (home pregnancy test), and the second one 14 days after the
missed period (at a lab). So I don’t think I had false positive test
results. But the definition of chemical pregnancy sounds more logical
to me: A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test
was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarrige occured
before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.
Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common. 50 to 60% of first
pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Most occur
without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant.
Most chemical pregnancies are due to chromosomal problems in the
developing fetus. Other possible causes are inadequate uterine lining,
uterine abnormalities both congenital or acquired like fibroids, low
hormone levels, luteal phase defect or certain infections.

But still, I find it hard to deal with. I don’t know what’s worse:
knowing that I lost my ‘baby’ (even though it hasn’t fully developed)
or the possibility that I never got pregnant in the first place. They
both hurt just the same and thinking back and forth between the two
hurts more. There were times that I could just numb myself with the
little help of alcohol. But what if I’m still pregnant? Otherwise why
did she tell me to do another pregnancy test after the bleeding stops?
Was she only giving me a false hope? Isn’t that meaner than a false
positive test result?

Really, I don’t know what’s going on… And I hate not knowing
anything, especially of something happening inside my own body. Was it
because I had typhoid fever when I found out I was pregnant? Was it
because I took so many medicine earlier, not knowing I was pregnant?
Was it because I worked long hours last weekend, supervising the photo
session? I need a reason. And I need some time alone. I don’t want to
repeat telling this painful story over and over again. For the first
time after a long time I dreamt of the sea again that night and I could
tell I didn’t feel good about those dreams. But I wish what happened to
me on Friday was only a nightmare. All those blood I saw was only me
hallucinating. I realize that somehow we have a funny way of
communicating, God and me. But I wish He was just playing a prank (if
not a sick joke) on me this time…

I’m sad… I’m mad… I’m disappointed… I’m frustrated… I don’t know what to feel anymore…



32 thoughts on “Gone? :'(

  1. y'know… i found this out about 4 years ago…
    when i am so down, sad and mad and everything is wrong, the world is a disaster, the words that can make you strong are not 'please God', or 'help me God'.

    the words are 'thankyou God'.

    suddenly after saying that my eyes are opened, i saw that despite everything, I am still blessed, lucky with all I have, or in more cheaper term, it also made me realize that things couldve been much worse. and for that, thankyou God…

    try it.
    this works with me, a non religious person.
    it may work wonders with you.

    it will not erase the pain and the sadness.
    but you will be strong.

  2. deepest sympathy.
    hey, keep dreaming, sis..
    God wants you to talk to Him.. all the time..
    spend more and more time with Him..
    by keeping your dream alive.. all the time..
    always discuss your dream with Him,good brainstorm, excellent presentations, good executions, show Him you two have a good partnership..
    Believe me, as I always believe what He always say to us..

    Tong jepruts siah!
    Ga ada kembaran gue yg jeprut! GAK ADA!

  3. Turut sedih La……. Moga2 Tuhan memberikan kekuatan dan ketabahan untuk kamu dan Viktor dalam menjalankan cobaan ini.

    Mudah2an ini bisa mengobati dikit patah hatimu, “segala sesuatu ada dalam rencana Tuhan. Dia ingin menunjukan kebesaranNya lewat kamu, mungkin saat ini belum bisa kita lihat tapi yakinlah Tuhan ngak mungkin kasih cobaan yang melebihi kemampuan umatNya”.

    If you need any help………just call me, you know my number, right?

  4. Lala…wish I could say sumthin that could make you feel better.
    I'll just pray for you, ok ?

    Btw, I have a friend that has the same experience for about 3 times now, it appears that her immune system towards her husband's body (that is inside the fetus) got something to do with the 8th weeks miscarriages. She has a very good obgyn that knows a lot about immunology. I can ask the obgyn's name and clinic and I'll sms it to you. Who knows,maybe it can be useful someday.

    For the time being….. seneng seneng aja ya, Lala sayang…. ke Bandung yuuuuk ? ke Banduuuunggg. …

  5. πŸ™‚
    You made me smile. Hehehe… Gak jeprut kok… Cuma kadang2 kejeblos ke lembah hitam (tapi gak nista). Still trying to crawl back into the light. Sabar ya. Kita masih ada janji ketemu di A&W kan? πŸ™‚

    Thanks, twin bro.

  6. Makasih doanya, Uni Alya..

    I'm sorry that your friend had to go through it 3 times. That must've been hard for her.
    Yes, I'd like to know her obgyn's name & clinic. Do you have my 0855 number, though?

    Speaking of Bandung, kita bakal jadi tante lho… πŸ™‚

  7. Iya La… I'm so happy too soal sang 'keponakan' yang coming soon dari lembah Cihan…g. Walau kadang jahil gw ngedoain juga sih…siapa tau anaknya rambutnya keriting..siapa tahu anaknya rambutnya keriting kayak rambut gua…..hihihi… gak denk…

    Btw,..gak ada tuh…aku belum punya no. Lala yang 0855

  8. God has His own way to show something to His children. And i believe that God has His own plan for you and Victor, all you guys has to do is walk with Him through it and everything will be just great, in His time of course… πŸ™‚

    Just remember that His plan never fail, i can tell you this.. cause He'd done the same thing in my whole life…. πŸ˜‰

    Lots of blessing for you and Victor yah la….

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