Dream Reflection #1

I had a weird, if not scary, dream two nights ago.  I dreamt of me giving birth.  Given the situation that I AM pregnant at the
moment, that dream can be looked at as something that will happen in the
future.  But I do hope that the dream
won’t come true for the part that my baby is born without both his/her arms!

OK, let’s go back to the beginning of the dream.  I was in a hospital and it looked rather
gloomy.  I was waiting for my
contraction, but I didn’t feel it.  When
it had gone on too long, a nurse came to check on me and she found out that the
head of the baby had already come out.  I
remembered pushing my baby out for a while, but it didn’t hurt at all.  With ease, the baby came out.  It was weird.
The size of the baby was only as small as a Barbie Doll.  And what made me shocked was the lack of its
upper limbs.  Even in dreams, turns out I
like to rationalize.  I thought that it
was impossible, because in every USG sessions before my baby was born, I saw
that it had two arms and two legs.  So
this couldn’t be right.

It was only a dream, they say.  But dreams that vivid deserve to be
observed.  And what parameters are better
than realizing the present and digging the past?

I am a little—okay, it’s an understatement—worried about
giving birth.  It’s not about the labour
or the pain, because it’s a natural thing for women and I’m sure I’ll get the
hang of it by the time I’m due.  I’m
worried more about the financial factor.
I have done my homework, surveying the cost estimation, and though I
mean it for us to know how much we have to save, the cold hard facts scare the
hell out of me.  Right now, our financial
condition is not very good.  And sorry to
say, I have to blame my own company.  Our
cash flow has been so bad in the last couple of month, and we didn’t even have
a single client last month.  As a result,
my paycheck often comes late and isn’t whole.
And worse, I don’t even have an eyebrow-raising salary to begin
with.  In earlier months, we could still
manage to stay above the water.  But then
I had to be hospitalized due to hyperemesis, and it was not covered by the
insurance because it was triggered by my pregnancy, and we eventually ran out
of credit card limits.  Victor has done
his part as a good family man, and more.  Apart from his permanent job, he now teaches
classes every working day PLUS Saturdays, and still takes side-jobs as a
freelance web developers.  I feel sorry
for him, witnessing how exhausted he is coming home late every night, trying to
keep his eyes open for an extra hour or two so he can do his side-jobs.  And still, his extra effort isn’t enough for
us to save.  I tried to find a way out by
not coming to the office so I can spare the transport expenses.  I can do most of my work from home
anyway.  But on the other hand I know
that my company is struggling and it needs me to be there.  I tried to confide to my partners, but I
don’t know, they may not see how devastating it is for me right now.  My extreme way out is to switch my main job
to translating and leave my company for a while.  But then it would seem to them that I am
always unavailable during trying times.
I know they didn’t mean it to sound like an accusation, but it still
hurts to know that they don’t understand.
Like when I had to ‘escape’ to Bandung for 6 months in 2000, and like
when I had to move back to my parents’ earlier this year just in time when we
were in a pitch for an annual report.  I
cannot help but think that they probably see me as missing in action when I had
a miscarriage last year, just in time when one of my colleagues was in her
maternity leave.  The truth is, everybody
has their own problems and their own ways to deal with their problems.  My answers to those two conditions may not be
rational to other people, but they fit my conditions.  Like I know that I cannot function well when
my head is clouded by personal issues, and in year 2000 my head was so full of
personal issues I started to break.  I
thought it wouldn’t be fair for my company if I was physically there but not
really there.  So I decided to gather
myself together by taking an unpaid leave, go start a new life in another city,
go to counseling sessions, and generally feel good about myself first before
doing other things.  And for me, in the
end it turned out great.  I went back to
work after 6 months and my life and work seemed to be hand-in-hand ever
since.  So I was quite shocked to hear
that it did a bad mark in my record… About the moving back thing, it’s
ridiculous.  First of all, I did take a
planned leave for it.  Both in December
last year (to redeem the remaining leave) and in January.  Second of all, they knew my condition.  They knew I didn’t get to get the house at
Cirendeu and we came to decide to move back to my parents’ only in late
December.  I had started to pack some
things, but I couldn’t do it all by myself, could I? Especially that Victor had
only started working at his new office and couldn’t get a day off.  And if you’d ever seen my house at Pondok
Pinang you would understand why I couldn’t do it by myself.  Then I had to move on certain date of the
month because the owner of the house notified us to.  The only time Victor could get a day off was
for only one day, that is the day that we moved out.  How on earth could I manage to pack all my
things and still go to the office and do an annual report?! And now this… All
I’m saying is my priority right now is to be able to give birth to my baby in a
sufficient, if not ideal, condition.
Meaning, I need some money, darnit! Since I know that right now my
company cannot give me the answer to that need, I talked to my partners in hope
for a win-win solution.  But all it
leaves me with is guilt, uncertainty, and no solution.  God, it’s hopeless.  Sometimes I caught myself crying just
thinking about it.  This is certainly not
right… And probably this is one of the things that triggered that unhappy
dream: afraid that I cannot give my best for my baby and so I cannot have my
baby whole-ly. 😦

From the past, I am still haunted by my miscarriage.  Sometimes I still cry thinking about my
unborn baby.  The way its flesh &
blood got flushed down the drain in the hospital.  The way I ‘refused’ to deal with it openly by
distracting myself (I went to sit in front of TV, watching Desperate Housewives
as soon as I was out of observatory room, knowing full well that I just lost my
baby but too numb to feel).  The way my
parents treated me like nothing was going wrong while all week I’d been crying
my heart out in a room in their house.  I
feel like my first baby didn’t get a proper acknowledgement, and consequently,
love.  I love my first baby as much as I
love this one.  I even named it Nayeli,
which means “I Love You” so that whenever someone calls his/her name, he/she
knows that he/she’s loved.  But even that,
I keep it to myself.  Apart from my
undying grief for my lost baby, I really don’t want this baby inside of me to go
through the same thing.  That’s why I
really take care of my baby like it’s my most precious possession (it is…)
and that’s why my world revolves around it right now.  After nine months carrying my baby safe and
sound (hopefully, amen), the last thing I need is a problem with the giving
birth part.

So there, my dream reflection #1.  Turns out it’s not only useful, but also
therapeutic, to write down and analyze your dream (and yourself).  More to come, I hope.


2 thoughts on “Dream Reflection #1

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