Everyone thinks they know me just because they know me… but the ones who really know me sometimes think they don’t know me at all.
Simply misunderstood, that’s the story of my life.
That’s just something I wrote in my Facebook profile. You want to call it “curcol”, go ahead. Although I detest that word because of the effect it makes on the person who’s about to tell you something… it’s like people have no rights to express their feelings once in a while or if you do you must feel lame about it.
Anyway, today I just feel like explaining myself. Not to you, not to anybody in particular, just a note. I wrote those lines to express the way I feel being me in my social life (since Facebook is a social networking site it just feels right to say it). When I first encountered a similar site, Friendster, I was amazed to see the number of friends I have in my friend list (it’s 414, by the way). Not as many as those social butterflies, but for me, that’s a lot! They all know me from somewhere: elementary school, junior high, senior high, uni, english course, japanese course, ballet course, work, etc., etc. But does someone who knows me from somewhere have enough requirements to be called a friend? Generally speaking, no, but in Indonesia, of course dong!
Let me take you back to my elementary school days. I was this shy and timid kid with no ability to socialize. I excelled in class, but that just separated me more from the others (maybe they saw me as studious and that’s just not a cool factor). But that didn’t make me want to be someone I wasn’t. I only did what I liked in school: I liked to learn new things so I treated my classes as an open book that I could savor anytime I liked; I liked to sing and dance so I took part in the extracurriculars. And by the end of elementary school I finally made some friends who really knew me. Many of them are still in contact until today.
And yadda-yadda… Similar things happened during junior high, senior high, uni, etc. The point is, to really know someone you must spend some quality time with that person. Just because you happen to be in the same class or organization doesn’t mean you’re instantly friends with all of them. Getting to know someone is a process and it may take a lifetime to know someone because people change.
On to the next subject, I realize that I’m not an easy person to get to know and understand. I don’t blame you, I don’t blame myself, and I don’t blame anybody. It’s just the way it is. I do let some parts of me to be known… through my ideas, works, and feelings that I write in particular. But merely reading them doesn’t mean you know me. Sometimes I leave out things I don’t feel like writing. Sometimes I don’t write my feelings toward someone/something/happening just because I’m too damn lazy on that particular day. Kalau rocker juga manusia, apalagi seorang Lala. Hehehe… Minds can travel far up to the heavens and hearts are vast and deep as the ocean. I take notes of my life in my writings, but what I don’t write doesn’t mean they don’t exist or never happen. Sometimes I even treat my writings merely as an outlet of feelings I can no longer hold, simply because there was no one around to talk to (not that I talk to people about my problems… I even chose to go to a counsellor instead to talk about my problems just because I can’t even talk to those who were close to me). And people can’t judge me solely based on that.
The trickiest thing about recording parts of your life in writings is you can go back and forth in “time” as if everything is happening right at this very moment. Sometimes it’s nice to reminisce the good old days but on the other hand all those bitterness you felt in the past can come and swallow you right back. Lucky me, I never tag my writings. I rarely go back to my writings in the past because for me there’s no point in doing so (unless I copied and pasted an article that I might need someday). I’m not living in the past (“No regrets, just lessons learned”) and the present me is available in person to see anyway… People just don’t know me that well, and I’m simply misunderstood.
But hey, it’s OK. That’s life, right? So when you get to know me I can’t promise that you’ll love me… but I surely hope you won’t hate me because you don’t know me. 😉
Btw, the title of this entry is taken from NKOTB’s song of the same title that suddenly popped into mind. 😀